Growing Up...

It seems crazy that it's hard to become who you really are...but it is. That much I know is true.

Going to graduate school is an amazing opportunity. A chance for me to face some of my biggest fears and embrace who I want to become. Lately, the reality of it all is setting in. I'm excited and scared.

Life's about change, and this is a big one. I miss my friends, but it always seems that I don't stay in one place. For some reason, growing up means moving away. I don't know why.

As a little kid I couldn't wait to grow up. Now at almost 24, I'm learning to embrace the present and find a little bit of the kid I never really knew.

thoughts on change from grey's anatomy...

Loving Ghosts...

Driving home last Thursday, I listened to Vedera's track: Loving Ghosts. As I sang "And it haunts me to hold you this close but it hurts me more to let go...that's why I'm still loving ghosts...traces of you will last forever" I recognized that the song no longer applies to my life. For me, its painful sentiment has been a too common reality. But now I know traces of pain, experience, and heartache will not haunt me forever. I’m living instead of still loving ghosts.

I’ve always struggled to live in the present. For a majority of my life I’ve been too focused on a plan for the future and the joys or heartaches of the past. When I invest in something or someone I give my entire heart, careful to fulfill all prerequisites before entering the next phase. I've had to learn that while it hurts to let go, too often it hurts more too hold on to something or someone that’s already gone. There is strength in being brave enough to let go. Owning up to your mistakes instead of keeping them on repeat. Moving past hurt feelings armed with hope for the future. Ghosts are a natural consequence to life, but we choose whether or not we live among the dead.

I used to see life as this straight path with no room for wrong turns or dead ends. Coming to a fork in the road was a major crisis. Now I see that both paths could be good, or that maybe you have to go down one to get to another. Yes, there are still wrong and right answers, crucial decisions in life. Backing up and turning around makes it a journey. Most of us don’t get to our destination the first time and sometimes we even get lost when we try to come back again. Different routes produce different results, but as long as our final destination is always in sight, I think we can all do just fine. Not all who wander are aimless.

Ever After...

Life is no Mickey Mouse playhouse
When will you grow up and see what you need to see?
It’s not that I don’t wish you the best
I just wish your best could be with me
Because I can’t keep up the delusional lies
You’re not really gonna love me

Wish it could be different but life keeps going
It’s no Cinderella’s castle out there
See, I’m a princess but you’re just a frog

I’m everything you could ever need but you’re not always what’s best for me
How I wish your potential was our reality
Even though I keep wishing on a star my dreams don’t come true
On our blustery days you just walk away while I make up excuses to stay

I admit I messed things up too
It wasn’t all your fault that I pricked my finger on a spinning wheel
Jumped when you couldn’t save me from the dragon

Neither of us can find the slipper I've lost
Maybe our love wasn’t like the fairy tales
But you’ll be with me until I find my happily ever after
See I have to try because you're not ready to be a prince

For now--for us--there's no ever after
I have to let it all go, float away to another kingdom
I used to want you to be the end of my story
Now I see the only one who can save me is me
Someday I hope you find the prince you can be

Impasses...

I am at a constant impasse
I never know where I’m going or what I’m doing
You’re in and you’re out
And I'm still waiting
I need to know which way to go
Towards you or far away from me
Right now it feels like either way
There will always be trouble
Reasons to get all torn up inside
But I can’t keep fighting this fight
Lying to myself when things aren’t right
Maybe love will never love me back
And if that’s so, I have to let it go
Is it a matter of being patient
Or seeing what I can't seem to see
What's good for me?
There are things I'll never be able to change
Time doesn't ever stop
My life and my heart aren't things I want to waste
It'd be easier if you said something cruel
Something to make me hate you and have no reason to stay
But that's not how life works for me
I don't ever seem to be able to walk away from anything
I have to pretend to be strong when I'm already broken
I fall in love with potential because I don't know reality
The only thing I know how to do is fight
Because see, no one ever fights for me
So I fight until my eyes turn blue
Blue from bruises I can't see
From a source so unwilling yet ready to leave

awake while sleeping...

you go to bed every night hoping for deliverance knowing it won’t come

you like to think that tomorrow is another day, another chance to get it right

you know you’ll still be fighting against the wall, struggling to climb away from the present into the future

the future is supposed to be better, but there doesn’t seem to be any light

there is no heart to propel you forward. it’s too busy mourning too many losses

movies that never made you cry evoke sobs

sad songs play against your memories

you want to move on, past the reality that only promises pain

maybe the future will be better, but how…when the people you saw in the play are somewhere else?

you have to rewrite the script, make allowances for change

propelling motion forward isn’t what you desire

that’s something you can live without

if only there was enough faith to be sure of what was up ahead

why all the pushing against the present to reach the future?

compel is a dirty verb

it’s as if you are stuck in one season and there is no reprieve

no promise that the snow will fall or the sun will shine

you reach for inspiration in dark corners

don’t seek to replace what you’ve lost, seek to find the new

sleep is your only escape---a relief from what goes unseen

you can’t escape the demons at your door

every night they seep into the crevices of life to greet you at dawn

you are awake while sleeping

Patience...

Patience (well really the adjective "patient" according to Webster):
1 : bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint
2 : manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain
3 : not hasty or impetuous
4 : steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity
5 : able or willing to bear

Being patient is not easy. It's something I am not very good at, especially these days. I think my problem with patience stems from my personality trait of being a "planner". From the time I was a little girl, I always looked forward to what was next in life. I think I wanted to grow up and go to college as a kindergartner. Ironically, although I have always been mature for my age, my kindergarten teacher wanted to hold me back a year. Can you imagine...she wanted me to re-do kindergarten! Who gets held back in kindergarten?!? As a little girl I talked baby talk, which I think is the main reason she wanted to hold me back.

Despite the fact that my parents were poor, my sweet dad used his community college graduation money to pay for me to go to summer school. Me, being the school nerd that I am, couldn't get enough of summer school. What kid likes to go to school in the summer? Oh yeah, that would be me. Needless to say I didn't repeat kindergarten. From 1st grade on I was always at the top of my class, far ahead of my peers in maturity and academic vigor. I always identified more with the older kids than my own peer group. I often think about how different my life would be if I had repeated kindergarten. Luckily, Heavenly Father knew what was best and my parents were willing to make a sacrifice so Mrs. Sallup didn't ruin my life.

Examples of my "planner" trait in action are numerous. When I have a trip planned or know I will be going somewhere soon, I want to pack right away. Usually I pull out my suitcase a week before I ever have to leave. I start picking out outfits and essential items to take along as soon as I know about the trip. The week before I have to resist the urge to fill my suitcase and head out the door. Intense anticipation is usually the instigator of my pre-packing syndrome. I get so excited for future events that sometimes I make myself absolutely crazy! I typically want to decorate for holidays far more in advance than normal people. Sarah has had to reel me in with decorating the apartment in seasons past. No Christmas decorations until AFTER Thanksgiving Clarissa. Please wait until February to heart-attack the apartment and splatter pink and red in every corner.

I used to be obsessed with making goals in order to better myself. Lists and lists of goals clutter my life. I still make goals, but not in the slightly neurotic manner of my former self. I ran faster than I had strength. At the age of 19, it caught up with me. Suddenly I couldn't run anymore; I could barely crawl through life. Since that dark time, I have learned lessons in reality, which I have, consequently, applied to my life. Time and experience have taught me to live more in the present; however, I still struggle with patience.

Right now important things I have wanted all my life are right in front of me, but they are still developing; I'm still reaching and working for them. Good things take time to develop. Time, time, time. I have to be patient and have the faith that everything will work out, no matter what happens. I am stepping into the dark and moving forward, but contrary to other times in my life, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even though I am moving forward with faith and hope, I pray that the light won't burn out....that when I get to my destination the light will still be there waiting for me. I don't want the light to burn out. It's scary to think you could actually obtain what you have always wanted, that right now you are one of the happy ones. Being a "happy one" is a rather new feeling for me. I kinda like it.

I don't know why patience is so hard. All I know is that it's part of life. It's hard to wait for events and moments to happen when you don't know how long you are going to have to hang in there before you reach the end. Most of the time you don't always know if the end will result in happiness or heartbreak. I think it's good not to know the ending. If you knew the end, good or bad, you may never start walking into the dark.

There are always obstacles in the way as you move forward into the light. The important thing is to keep going.

Actions & Words

Something to ponder...

They say actions speak louder than words, but sometimes you have to have words to produce actions.

Spinning...

Spinning out of control. So much to do I can't slow down to get a handle on what I need to do. Don't know where to start; don't know where to turn. Laundry in every corner of my room. Problem Solving, Problem Solving...ALL DAY LONG. Deadlines, meetings, class, work. Always work. Waking up late doesn't help. I'm not even operating at full capacity and its crazy. I could be doing so much more. School could be so much harder. Priorities: 1) Work, 2) Social, 3) School. It's crunch time. Only a few weeks left. Gotta push through to the end and bust out projects. 1 semester away from graduation. Kinda hard to believe. Don't know where to go from here. Planning is good but the plan can change. Can't ever seem to get ALL of these pieces working at the same time. Gotta keep moving, even if I'm spinning as I go.

Am I the only one...

Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one who...

still gets zits at 22

hates flossing their teeth

worries about not being enough

loves and doesn't get loved back

doesn't seem to get chosen

hates crunchy onions

is ok being a size 12

thinks that the saying "things will all work out" doesn't help you in the moment

would sometimes rather be in school than in the real world

didn't do a ton of daring things as a kid, but is making up for it now

has never had a boyfriend

used to hate Utah but likes parts of it now

feels more at home in a place away from my original home

thinks the $1 menu at McDonald's is truly remarkable

has had their dreams crushed

has had moments that are truly, indescribably beautiful

feels safe when they have a purpose

needs alone time

just wants to be wanted

There's something about playing with fire...

There’s something about playing with fire. You know it’s dangerous and any second you could get burned, but if you hold it just right, keep moving fast enough you can avoid a scar.

The flames are intoxicating. A flame blinds you and alters your thoughts. Smoke stains you and leaves evidence of your fire play. There is no way to escape it. It lingers, contaminating your soul. Smoke always kisses and tells. Fire is a chemical reaction. It’s exciting to watch. The best fires come from proper formation, but even the most perfect setups have the potential to burn you---scar you for creating them.

To withstand the heat of the fire, you have to play smart. Sometimes you have to douse the flames before they become reckless, beyond your control, hell bent to run rampant. There’s a reason fire represents hell, but we still try to bargain with the devil.

Heat intrigues us. We become amenable to intrigue and thrill. You want the scars from flames. You crave them and disregard their consequences. You can heal from burns, no matter their degree. The raw power of fire draws you in. Sometimes you don’t know how the fire started, but before you know it it’s too big to put out. There’s something fascinating about watching a fire burn. You envy its focus and destructive power. In its wake it creates nutrients for new grow. Fire is a necessary component of life.

The truth is…every fire burns. If you keep building the fire, it will leave you scarred. You can build many times without incident, but even the most careful can get into trouble with one false move. All you have to do to be at risk is light a match. If you don’t douse the fire completely, embers will stir what you thought was extinguished.

You can’t play with fire without getting burned. Your strength will falter, your focus will blur and before you know it you will be in the middle of the flames, unable to escape.

There's something about spring...

So I've decided that there is something about spring and the end of the semester. All I see on campus and when I'm out and about is couple, couple, couple, couple, couple, couple, couple, couple...rings on every finger...get the idea? I don't know if there's something in the change of the season that awakens every faculty so that it seems someone is screaming at you that you don't have a "someone" or if the pollen in the air intoxicates you with love or the pursuit of love.

Spring fever, combined with end of the semester stress, is a deadly combination. I would know, I had my first kiss this time of year last year under circumstances only the effects of spring could have produced. It seems like in the spring, everyone gets hungry for love...as if somewhere in our DNA it is encoded with the instructions: must find mate beginning in the month of April. Crushes girls have harbored all semester suddenly become that much more intense. Boys start to weigh their summer dating options. As cheesy as a metaphor this is, males and females are drawn to each other like bees to pollen.

My problem is there don't seem to be any bees that find me.

Yesterday a friend of mine was explaining that he has three girls that he is interested in who are interested in him as well. How would that be? I'd be happy with just one...maybe even a half...no, one would be more than good enough. Instead I get reality...spring fever with no cure. It's like I've been innoculated with the strain of spring fever that has no antecdote, no reward for the infection.

Spring fever will pass as it always does and I will go back to my not being so keenly aware of the love that surrounds me and the lack of it in my own life. But for now, I will just have to keep wishing that some bee will pick me and enjoy just being me.

We all have secrets...

We each have pieces missing in our lives. Needs that aren’t met, things we didn’t learn, and experiences we can’t relate to. We are all wounded. In our own individual ways we have had our hearts and souls crushed at some point in our lives. We all have secrets; how else would post secret be such a success?

Why is it so hard to be completely honest with each other? Maybe it’s because we all can’t figure out what the hell we want or need. Plus, it's not socially acceptable to just lay everything out on the table, straight up. To some extent we each have to play the game, but in other ways we just need to be more honest--with ourselves and each other. I say this, but I am no expert. It's hard for me to do too.

Some have been wounded by rejection or disappoint, so they put up walls to keep from getting hurt again. We don’t give each other enough of a chance. Too often we run away from what may actually be the best thing for us. Others have someone, but it’s not enough. They are with them for all the wrong reasons, but still try to make things work because it’s safe, it’s what they know. And let’s face it, it’s scary to fall when we there isn’t anything to fall back on. It’s a dark abyss that waits and you can’t see ahead, forward, or behind…but eventually you reach a point where you have to step into the possible pain and let go of the rope you are holding on to so tightly.

We don’t like to show people who we really are. Maybe our real selves are too fragile. Protection is part of survival. But the thing is, we all want the same thing. Ultimately, each of us wants to be with someone who wants us completely and to love that someone completely in return. So why is it so hard to find? Why is it so hard for each of us to say what we really feel and do what we really want to do?

Maybe if we each could let go of some of our secret hurts and bruises, love wouldn't be so hard to find.

What I want and need may actually be right in front of me...

I've realized that what I want and need may be right in front of me, but I don't always recognize it. While that's a fact of life that I've known to be true, it's never been more apparent than it has been over the past couple of weeks.

It's as if the blinds on my windows of life are slowly being opened, and what I see is not at all what I expected. I have dreamed and imagined about what lay beyond the white mask, only to find unfamiliar colors. The more I peer through the sliver of the blinds, the more I begin to distinguish the true forms beyond my window. I like what I see, even though it's doesn't always parallel my initial dreams; it's better.

What I want in life is right in front of me---right now---waiting for me to recognize it and take hold. It's been a broken, bumpy, and bewildering road, but I feel as if I am starting to align what I want with what the Lord wants. Life and love aren't supposed to be easy, and they certainly haven't been.

I feel like I am on the cusp of different elements in my life falling into place and it's kinda scary; like I don't want to say anything out loud for fear of jinxing it. Happiness is within my grasp more than it ever has been in my life. The twist is finding what I need and want, and it being able to find me too.

No Time Table

This weekend I have been in a major depression. I haven't had one this bad for a long time. I've been overwhelmed by everything lately. I've been feeling like I have a million decisions I have to make and that they all effect each other. I can't just answer one question because there are fifty more tied to that one. Should I graduate in December or spring? Where should I live next year? Do I have enough money to go somewhere for spring break? How am I going to pay for the rest of school? What am I going to do for work this summer? and the list goes on...And to top it all off, I'm still reeling from a crappy Christmas break and losing my grandpa.

Yesterday I couldn't function, I basically stayed in bed all day. I didn't go to class and totally forgot about on-line tutor training. Getting up to brush my hair seemed too hard. That's the weird thing with depression. Some days you just can't function, everything comes crashing down on you at once, and all you have strength to do is breath. I don't expect people to understand it. I don't like to tell people because sometimes it makes no sense. I pretty much stayed in bed all day today too.

At 6pm tonight I decided to go to the store with one of my roommates and attempt to function. Afterwards, I felt like maybe I could make a list of everything that's bothering me. So I did and then I called my mom. We talked it all out and I decided that I am not going to try and graduate in December.

Just because I am capable of doing it doesn't mean I should. There is no time table to life once you get out of high school. I think subconsciously I have been thinking, "well if you hadn't withdrawn from BYU and gone crazy and everything, then you'd be graduating this semester..." I can be so mean to myself sometimes. Graduating in spring solves so many problems. There is no rush to life. I feel much better about this decision than trying to figure out all the legistics for December. I just have to keep reminding myself that I can live by my own time table, which can really mean, I don't have to have one.

The First Snow

The first snow of winter comes like an impending break up. You wake up one morning and suddenly it's there for everyone to see. You've known it would come, but didn't know when. Maybe you were waiting for the right time, or wanted to get a little bit more action before the season turned cold.

The snow may only be a light dusting, but it hurts just the same. Air is sucked from your lungs, as cold knives pentrate your soul.

Winter always comes. Meteorologists try to predict the weather patterns, but they don't ever seem to get the forecaset right. You expect warmth and sun, and that's when the storm hits. When the elements barrage you, no matter how many layers of armor encase you, the cold penetrates to the bone. There is no protection.

But then again, the snow creates a certain calmness. A new found peace enshrouds the soul. You are free from a malignant fall. And the start of winter, brings the promise of spring.

The Window

What happened to the child in the window?
The time when a leaf brought satisfaction
If I only I could be confident and content
To wave happily at a stranger
The window is my barrier
From the life I want to have
Someday I will dissolve through the hard membrane
Into a nucleus of childhood delight
I will leave the other side of the window
For a better way and a better life
No child will stare at me through the window
I will be on the right side

The Dream Lied

It lied and will never be trusted
again, Spliced open and subject to disease
it has taken years for my wound to scar

The dream lied

Perhaps it has always lied
masqueraded as a byline for the weary
maybe it was once true, but now it is
not, hammered down into oblivion
I will never trust the dream again

The dream lied

It spit me out, chewed me up, and
wretched me out again. I am a
victim of the dream’s lie
now I lie, my brain tattered and torn
in pieces,
I lie, as I lay, and bleed red, on a flag.

A Lonely Princess

As little girls our minds are painted with elaborate canvases of fairytales. Stories of handsome princes, damsels in distress, and fire-breathing dragons; a fantasy world we pretend to be a part of. Boxes in playrooms are filled with tutus, diamond tiaras, and our mothers’ attempts as royal dress makers. I was a little girl like this once and all my life I too have dreamed of finding my prince charming incarnate. From these doctrines of my youth I find that my perception of love falls into the fairytale category but the problem is, I don’t even know how to pretend. I see love as some type of mystical magic that will one day fly past my window and transform my life. It is as if I cannot access my own fairy godmother. My innocence is gone; I know that she does not exist, that in the end stories don’t always end in happily ever after. I cringe at my cynicism and wonder how it has beset me at the age of only 20. Even as I write this I cannot fully expresses my view. I think sometimes I feel that maybe I am destined to be an ugly step-sister, who never gets her prince. My fellow ladies of the court are one by one participating in the art of chivalry to find their stately barons, majestic knights, and amiable princes. Writers of today have designed and crafted their own versions of fairytales to meet the demands of the modern era. I crave romanticism but lack romance. I desire companionship but more often than not find myself alone. Is it really that easy? One day I am out picking berries in the woods, practicing my vocal abilities and then my prince appears on horseback and we are in love? I do not understand how it happens! I am surrounded by the happily wedded and find it a mystery. As a child you invent your own prince but he never appears because he isn’t supposed to. But what about now? I am a fair maiden that has not captured the eye, let alone the love, of a prince. She doesn’t know how, she is secretly afraid that no prince will ever make her his queen. I am of royal blood but cannot find my crown.

thoughts from around my corner

Around my corner you will find...a girl who's hair is the color of dark chocolate taffy. A twenty something who is a hopeless romantic, but someone who also has had enough life experience to realize life isn't really like the movies. My soul has been shattered. My heart has been tried. Darwin was right in the sense that we all evolve, we have to learn to survive ourselves. We are own predators, our own threat to extinction. In a world of elaborately woven deceptions, in the end, we can hold the high hand in the game of deceiving ourselves.

It’s hard to be positive when there isn’t a track record to back the notion. You want to believe, but the science of the matter, the facts, the outcomes to the previous experiments, have all gone in opposition to your favor. I watch these movies and become absorbed in stories about women who don’t know themselves, who are hiding behind a façade of the tinted glass of loss. I identify with their emotions, thoughts, and perceptions…but see for me…there hasn’t been a guy at the end of the tunnel to make everything appear rosy again.

With everything in my life it has always seemed to me that I had the power to control it, that every time anything went wrong it was always my complete and utter fault, there was no other plausible explanation for why when everything should be right, it still was not. I don’t hate my life but I don’t understand it. I don’t like to give things credit because I know they could be so much worse, everything comes with a disclaimer. But the truth is, for me, my world, what I knew, what I wanted, what I thought has shattered. How do you find hope in a world that doesn’t seem to supply it? Are we really powerful enough to make our own?