sharp knife of a short life...

Seattle has experienced only 351 minutes of summer. A driver with a blood alcohol level four times the legal limit killed a 42-year-old Google engineer and father of two. The Mariner's have lost their 16th game in a row. Singer Amy Winehouse was found dead in her apartment after a supposed drug overdose. A master's degree is the new bachelor's degree. In Norway a political extremist opened fire at a youth camp and bombed the government center, killing over 90 people. The U.S. is facing a crisis in regards to the national debt ceiling.

It seems everywhere I turn sorrow, disappointment, fear, and death abound. Unfortunately, around my corner, my family is experiencing all of those emotions.

Last night my little sister Elizabeth was in the ER after she began hemorrhaging 10 days post-op from a tonsillectomy. Although she lost a lot of blood, she did not need a blood transfusion and her surgeon was able to come in and repair the burst artery. We were at the hospital for over five hours. She's home safe and sound, but it was quite the traumatic experience.

Tomorrow our family has to put down our 8-month-old puppy Brinkley. He has acute kidney failure which resulted from a drug administered to him after he was neutered about two weeks ago. He's been living at the vet the past week, hooked up to an IV pumping constant fluids into his frail body. Almost every day we've visited and attempted to feed him everything from chicken to cottage cheese. He wouldn't touch his dog food. EE would throw his ball for him in the dog run, reminding us of how much a puppy he still is. Every night my parents have anxiously awaited a call from the vet to reveal the results of his blood tests, only to hear that his kidney levels had not improved.

Brinkley won't go to the beach with my parents in September. He'll never frolic with other dogs at the dog park while he chases after a chuck-it ball. We'll have too much Thanksgiving turkey this year because Brinkley won't be there to haul off with it. Our ornaments will be safe from his puppy tail at Christmas. The backyard filled with toys will lay dormant. The memories we anticipated will never be made. Our house is quiet. His donut doesn't squeak and balls no longer assault every wall of the house. Kootchi has no one to play with.

We've all cried a lot today. I'm sure we'll only cry more tomorrow. This is one of those things we are subjected to as mortals. Early death. Perceived injustice. An 8-month-old puppy who was perfectly healthy two weeks ago shouldn't be dying of kidney failure. It doesn't feel right. But, reality is that sometimes we don't get the miracle, no matter how much faith we have or how hard we try.

Brinkley is more than just a dog; he's a member of our family. Now, I understand the lyrics "sharp knife of a short life" from the song If I Die Young. My family and I are living them.

In the words of my sweet little sister: "I'll miss everything..."

life ain't always what you think it ought to be...

This song has been on my mind the past few days. It looks like my family might have to put down our 8-month-old puppy Brinkley. His kidneys are failing from a drug administered to him after he was neutered. The odds of this happening are one in a million. We might be that one.

My Princess...

Until recently, I've never spent much time with my brother's dog Kootchi. He inherited her a year or so ago from his SLC friend Lydia. I was excited for him when he got her and loved the pictures, but other than that I was pretty neutral. Now everything has changed. I'm home for the summer, and I'm completely in love with her!

Kootchi sleeps with me every night all cuddled up under the covers. Some nights she even puts her head on my pillow. Kootchi follows me wherever I go. When I take a nap, she takes a nap. When I go to the bathroom, she barges her way in the door. When I'm on the computer, she lays right by my chair. I've taken her to the park a few times with the kids I'm nannying. They absolutely love her. I frequently hold her like a tiny baby.

My family and I have come up with many names for her: Kootchster, Koocha La Smoochala, Kootcharoony, and my personal creations---Princess and my little pot-belly pig! I'm trying really hard to get her to answer to Princess. We're still working on that, although every time I call her Koocha La Smoochala she kisses me on cue. I don't know how I'm going to leave her when I move to Chicago. I keep threatening I'm going to take her with me, but I can't. Guess we'll just have to Skype!

Isn't she adorable?! Now I understand why my parents haven't given her back to my brother. She's at their house to stay.

I miss these boys so much...

Oh how I miss my little cousins Alex and Isaac!

Nobody screams "Rissy" when I enter the door. I don't get to see little Alex stick his lip out when he's pouting and listen to Isaac teach me all about tornadoes. No more reading stories involving Diego or Dr. Seuss. No more blowing bubbles, dyeing Easter eggs, and school performances. It's going to be hard not living in close proximity over the next few years...maybe never again. I've watched them grow up. And, I'm going to miss baby girl Lloyd being born! Ah just the thought kills me.

On top of missing my boys I miss Sunday dinners with the Lloyds and Ashworths. I miss hanging out with them period. Mandi, Travis, Alex, Isaac, Jazzy (the dog), Mimaw, Grumpy, and Harmony are some of my favorite people. They have each been an incredible support to me over the past five years. Leaving them was one of the hardest parts of deciding to move home for the summer before heading off to graduate school this fall.

Moving is part of life, but I'm glad that even though I may not be physically present, these people will always be with me wherever I go.

My lil sis is 17!

Today is my lil sis's 17th birthday. I'm a little emotional at the thought of her being so grown up. When she visited me a few weeks ago we had the opportunity to check out Westminster College here in SLC. She absolutely loved it! I think it will be an excellent fit for her if she decides to attend. Being at Westminster, Elizabeth would have the opportunity to be who she wants to be. To find her niche. I know she'll be successful wherever she goes. I am so proud of her for wanting to go to college and finding direction in her life. It's not an easy task. I know. I've done it.

I love my pumpkin so much (I don't know why I call her that...it just started and stuck). I wish I lived closer so we could do more things together. It's been hard being away during her teenage years. My sister is tough, but she also has a tender heart. She doesn't like to show it, but it's there. Elizabeth is honestly one of the funniest people I know. She's also not afraid to tell you like it is. Her first word was "meany"...enough said. An incredibly strong person, my sister has experienced her fair share of crap. But, she's never given up. She has what it takes to not merely survive, but to live well.

While I was in middle school and high school, EE and I shared a room. In my crazy, "turbo girl" state I didn't always appreciate her little messes, Jeff Gordon doll, and cat Perky. Sometimes I wish I could go back and complain less about her messes and just enjoy the fact that I could see her everyday. But, that's what time is for...to realize things we've taken for granted. Two specific things I regret for having inflicted on EE: 1)The time I told her she will be a terrible college roommate because she's so messy and 2)Last year when I flaked out and didn't take her skiing with our cousin Bill and his family. Sorry EE!

I like to think I've set a good example for my sister. That she can learn from my imperfections and realize that if I can go off on my own and graduate from college, she can too. I look forward to seeing what her life brings and where she will end up. My love for her has given me an insight into what it must be like to be a parent. I want to make things better for EE. When she cries about a boy I want her to know that everything will be ok, but I can't do that. She has to experience things for herself. I didn't know then what I know now, and neither does she. As the years progress I hope our 7-year age difference will continue closing gaps. One of the hardest parts about deciding where to go next in my life is being far away from my sister. Don't get me wrong---I love and miss my mom, dad, and brother too---but right now I miss my sister most.

Elizabeth, know how much I love you! I am so glad I have a sister. As cheesy and unoriginal as this saying is: life wouldn't be the same without you.

Brinkley...

After my family had to put our dog Caddie down, they only lasted a few weeks before they decided to get another puppy. He is the cutest thing in the world and a total ham; he loves the camera! I can't believe I haven't met him yet. He's going to be a big boy when I finally get to see him. My fam decided to name him Brinkley after the golden retriever in "You've Got Mail", one of my top 10 favorite movies of all time. Now I just need to buy him a large, green pillow the size of an inner tube. For short, we call him "Brinkster", "Brinky", and "The Brinkinator". I can't wait to meet him!

Caddie Rose Fidler...a dog with a heart of gold

We had to put our dog Caddie down tonight. It's weird to have lost her first. We always thought we'd lose Russell before we lost Caddie. A few weeks ago she had two seizures and on Christmas day she had two more. Her kidneys levels were almost triple what they should be and the veterinarian suspected she had developed a brain tumor. There was a chance it was only a viral infection but after giving her a round of antibiotics this week, she continued to go down hill.

When I left to come back to Utah after Christmas I knew my parents were most likely going to have to put Caddie down in the near future. I was doing ok with everything until I saw a picture of her tonight about an hour before my parents and sister took her to the vet to be put down. I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed until I was together enough to pick up the phone and call my family. My sister Elizabeth answered and we just kept saying how much this all sucked. I hate this stuff, but this is a part of life. Loss. I had EE put the phone to Caddie's ear so I could tell her goodbye.

So here I sit with my second Coca-Cola of the day---it's Monday and it's already been a rough week---lamenting the loss of my dear Caddie while listening to Little Big Town's song "Kiss Goodbye" trying not to cry. Russell has always been my favorite but Caddie was the sweetest dog you could ever meet. She had a heart of gold. She never snapped at anyone and the worst thing she did was get in the garbage every once in awhile. She loved going to the beach. Milkbones were probably her favorite thing in the world. She'd practically bite your hand off feeding her one.

We always called her crazy Caddie because she was always super excited about life and ready to tell you all about it. She was a mouthy broad. Over the last three years while I was at Utah State, almost every time I talked to my mom I'd hear Caddie barking in the background. I'd say, "Shut up Caddie! I can hear you all the way in Logan!". The past few months I've replaced "Logan" with "Salt Lake". Even though sometimes it made it hard to hear what my mom was saying, hearing Caddie bark in the background always made me smile.

Caddie wasn't just a dog. The past 10 years she has been an important part of our family. She's always been there to give each of us unconditional love. That's the wonderful thing about dogs. It's why the book Marley & Me was a bestseller. It's why pet insurance was created. I'm a dog person...can't help it.

I look forward to the day when my future husband and I get our own golden retriever. Life won't be complete without one. I want to name him Xander, but we'll see what my husband has to say too. I can't marry someone who doesn't want a dog. That's a deal breaker.

Whatever golden retriever is in my future I know Caddie will make sure I get a good one. I won't ever look at a golden without thinking of Caddie. She was a true testament to her bread. Life is better with a dog. It's a simple truth of life.

A real love letter from my Papa to my Grandma Bonnie...

To my Bonnie,
I have been sitting here tonight thinking about you and how much I love you. I cannot stand to think that I have made you feel badly and I wish to tell you if I can about my thoughts.

I have never been so much in love with anything or anyone in my life and now that I have you for my wife I am aware of a new world and feeling. You are my life and to love you and live with you Bonnie is all I desire. Just to know that you love me gives me a warm feeling and I will not let anything happen that will jeopardize our marriage. When I look in your eyes and see that I have hurt you I could cry because I love you so dearly and wish the best for you. Please darling don't worry about our bills because we will have them paid in a short time and we will be the richer from the experience. I die a little when you say that you shouldn't have married me owing these bills and I want you to understand that I wouldn't care if you owed a thousand times this amount. I married you because I have found the only girl that I can truly say I love and that I want to spend my life with and to share her joys and sorrows.

Bonnie, I have never been so happy as I have with you these past months and I want to tell you so- It's hard for me to express my feelings for you because words are not quite adequate. Right now I would like nothing more than to take you in my arms and hold you.

I know that we will have a good life together and you give me everything that I need. I don't expect everything to be "peaches and cream" so to speak but with you by my side I can "slay dragons". Without you Bonnie, my life would be so empty I hate to even think about it-Darling I would never have known the full meaning of love if I had not met and married you and I say that from my heart.

I miss you so much right now that I can hardly wait until this shift is over so that I can be near you again.

All my love,
Jay

Auntie found this letter and typed it up and sent it to the family. It is so sweet. Even though I never knew my Grandma Bonnie, I have always felt a connection with her. I miss my Papa so much. I can only imagine how hard it was for him to live through almost 40 years without her. I am grateful for the blessing of eternal families and for the knowledge that I will see my Papa again and meet my grandma. This May when my parents came down for graduation they were able to get together with family and do my their temple work. Now not only are my Papa and Grandma Bonnie sealed to each other, my Dad and Aunt are also sealed to them, and my Papa is sealed to his parents.

Alex...aka Monkey

My little cousin Alex is turning 2 this week. Isn't he just the cutest thing ever. His older brother Isaac and I are best buds. Every time I come over both of them yell, "Rissy!!" I feel more like an Aunt than a cousin. I didn't think I could ever love Alex as much as I love Isaac, but I totally do. Each of them have such fun, different personalities.

When I stayed with Mandi and Travis last weekend, I was watching Alex while Mandi was at the store and taught him a little something. He is way into animal sounds and Mandi always calls him her monkey boy. I taught Alex to scratch his armpits while he makes the monkey sound. He thought it was pretty cool. While I was upstairs getting ready for an interview I could hear Alex downstairs making incessant monkey sounds while he ate his McDonald's fries while getting bbq sauce all over himself. I couldn't stop laughing.

I can't wait for Alex's birthday party on Saturday! I love the Lloyds so much!