Growing Up...

It seems crazy that it's hard to become who you really are...but it is. That much I know is true.

Going to graduate school is an amazing opportunity. A chance for me to face some of my biggest fears and embrace who I want to become. Lately, the reality of it all is setting in. I'm excited and scared.

Life's about change, and this is a big one. I miss my friends, but it always seems that I don't stay in one place. For some reason, growing up means moving away. I don't know why.

As a little kid I couldn't wait to grow up. Now at almost 24, I'm learning to embrace the present and find a little bit of the kid I never really knew.

It's my whole life down to one box...

I moved to SLC with a Uhaul and I'm moving away with a car. It's time for a whole new chapter. The drive to Seattle is only a first step in a long line of changes.

For the past 2+ weeks I've been downsizing and packing all of my earthly possessions. A week ago Keely and I had a garage sale. We froze our butts off but came away with a little bit of cash. Yesterday---somehow---we fit everything else I owned in my little Dodge Neon. Earlier this week my dad mailed me a duffel-bag-type car-top carrier, but it ended up not being delivered to my house because before my dad sent it I changed my address back to my parent's address. So essentially, the package got to SLC and was turned right back around to Seattle. The postal people must have been so confused and thought...who IS this girl? STUPID. Alas, despite this mishap, I survived. Thankfully.

Right now I'm sitting in my hotel room in Baker City, OR pondering my life changes. Being here is a lot less glamorous than what I anticipated all week. The drive was long and boring. The hotel pool is closed. Chilling here by myself is lonely. I ate Dairy Queen for dinner. Watched Grey's Anatomy. Took a bath. It's only 8:26 pm and it feels like 11:00 pm. So glamorous and fun...not.

All I want is to be home. Somewhere safe again. I didn't go say goodbye to my friends in Logan. I didn't go see Sarah's parents. I feel bad about that. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I can't handle the regular aspects of life and commitments become unbearable. I didn't want to say goodbye because I don't want it to be goodbye. In some ways I've become accustomed to having a majority of the people I'm close to be far away. Distance and leaving are complicated matters.

I broke down at work yesterday, which was totally unexpected. A final blow to the project I've been working on for several months, combined with the car-top carrier fiasco, was too much. I won't miss the job, but I will miss the people. My fellow interns--Emily, Emily, and Ryan--and I all became very close. I truly believe each of us needed to be in each others' lives during this period. From the time we were hired last summer, we now all have more direction about the next phase of our lives.

Emily McBride is going back to school to get her teaching certificate. Emily Davis is starting a new job on Monday as an Executive Secretary to a member of the Quorum of the Seventy. Ryan starts this week as a Deseret Industries Job Coach. We came to the Church Office Building lost, and with the help and encouragement of each other, we've all found new paths. I will be forever grateful for the role they have played in my life. I have no doubt Heavenly Father knew that for whatever reason we needed each other. Saying goodbye hurts, but even though it's hard, I'm grateful I have good friends to say goodbye too. It's better than never loving people at all.

I don't know the next time I'll see Mandi, Travis, Alex, Isaac, Harmony, Mimaw, Grumpy, and Auntie. I can't believe I am going to miss baby girl Lloyd coming into this world. I'm determined to go to UT during Christmas break. My roommate Ally is coming to visit in July, so that'll be fun. Even though I'll be far away, time and experience have taught me that I don't have to lose those relationships. Rather, I must put off my fear of the phone and make the call. All I have to do is remember I am loved.

There is one person I know I might never see again. That reality has been difficult to accept. But, I move forward because I know it's what's best for me. I pray he will be happy and realize all he is and can be. Physically leaving is so final; like shutting and returning a library book you never finished. It's past it's renewal date. No exceptions.

Tomorrow is another day of a new chapter. So, I'll get in my car and drive.

Unfinished business...

Unfinished business. We all have it. Sometimes it's our own fault. Other times the opposing party is just that...an opposing party. Two roads no longer diverge.

Too much time passes. You may not know what to say, but the fact that nothing was ever said...no closure achieved...gnaws at your soul. What kind of heart doesn't look back?

Questions and hurt still linger, but you move forward. You walk toward the horizon of an entirely different destination.

The words of an old Garth Brooks' song bring comfort to your heart..."some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers".

Potential Grad School #1...

Well, one of the many potential paths I've been considering has been officially opened. Yesterday, I received a call from Gonzaga University informing me that I have accepted into the Communication and Leadership Studies master's program. Yeah! One more piece of the puzzle, although there are still a ton of pieces to workout. And, I don't even know if I want this puzzle piece yet.

I should hear from DePaul next week. I can hardly stand waiting. Patience is a difficult virtue. Last night I sat down and wrote a pros/cons list for each school. It didn't help much. Each school is appealing for opposing reasons. If I had it my way and money was of no concern, I would pack up my stuff and move to Chicago. But, I don't know if that's going to be an option. Or if that's the right choice.

When I read the course descriptions for DePaul I get excited! My heart beats faster and I begin to think maybe I really can become the writer I want to be. Then I think about Gonzaga and being closer to my family. Getting to see my little sister and brother on the weekends. Being able to see my mom and hang out with my dad. Meeting Brinkley---the new puppy who won't be a puppy by the time I get to see him in person. Living in a city a lot like Logan, just more cosmopolitan. Being closer to Utah and Sarah than if I move to Chicago.

If DePaul's program were at Gonzaga, Gonzaga would be a lot more appealing. However, life forces us to make decisions. Most of the time we can't have it all. I should hear from DePaul by next week. That will give me one more piece of the puzzle. But who knows, I could still end up throwing out the puzzle and starting over again. Right now all I have is time.

Choose Something Like a Star...

This poem's sentiment is profound. It is applicable to every person at every stage of life.

Choose Something Like a Star
by Robert Frost

O Star (the fairest one in sight),
We grant your loftiness the right
To some obscurity of cloud --
It will not do to say of night,
Since dark is what brings out your light.
Some mystery becomes the proud.
But to be wholly taciturn
In your reserve is not allowed.

Say something to us we can learn
By heart and when alone repeat.
Say something! And it says "I burn."
But say with what degree of heat.
Talk Fahrenheit, talk Centigrade.
Use language we can comprehend.
Tell us what elements you blend.

It gives us strangely little aid,
But does tell something in the end.
And steadfast as Keats' Eremite,
Not even stooping from its sphere,
It asks a little of us here.
It asks of us a certain height,
So when at times the mob is swayed
To carry praise or blame too far,
We may choose something like a star
To stay our minds on and be staid.

What life feels like sometimes....

Life is an ambiguous pool I constantly swim and try not to drown in. Sometimes it feels impossible to keep my head above water.

How do you know when to suck it up or run like hell?

I am struggling to find this balance between planning and letting things happen. A balance between being real and lying to myself to keep going.

If I could have any job in the world: I would be the editor for a college magazine. That is my dream job. Period.

Working full time has made me a slave to diet coke. I never thought I'd become one of those people.

I have so much spinning around in my head I can't touch the ground long enough to straighten it all out.

Screw expectations and the way things are "supposed" to be or "should" be.

Life is hard, but it's worth it. Keep reminding yourself of that. There's more to this picture than you can see.

Studying for the GRE...

While I was at home during Christmas, I finalized my decision to take the GRE. I signed $160 of my life away and set a date for the day of reckoning---Friday, February 4, 2011. In light of my financial, calendar, and future obligation, I have been studying for the past two weeks and will continue such studies until the day before the test. I slacked off last week so I've got to get back on track. I started to stress out so much that I couldn't even think when I would go to study. My mind would blank at every word and equation. It's back to hitting the books tonight.

As stressful as taking the GRE is I do know that Heavenly Father will help me as long as I put forth the effort. Amidst my mild freak outs--some not so mild--I am comforted by the sure knowledge that if I'm supposed to go to graduate school, Heavenly Father will help make up the difference. Over these past few months I've been learning to live in the present--and enjoy it. Planning and goals are good, but not if you can't enjoy the ride. I'm on a rollercoaster and I don't know what's around the bend, but I know I'll be ready for it.

A few things I learned in 2010...

you can totally wear black, brown, and blue all at once...I do it all the time

silver and gold sometimes go together just fine

if you don't want to hear it, you won't

expensive nail polish is totally worth it (for your fingers at least...your toes can handle the cheap stuff)

no good comes from running after yesterday

everything they teach you at church about chastity is true

not all who wander are aimless

sometimes we want someone or something so bad we'll go back on what we believe

it's not enough to merely survive but sometimes that's all we can do

walking away is sometimes the answer

you can move on without closure

it's better to live in the present

equilibrium is possible

just because you can handle it, it doesn't mean that you should

avocado egg rolls at The Cheesecake Factory are to DIE for

I want to get a Dachshund puppy

I may never have another boss as amazing as Kim Larson

keep calm and carry on

graduate school is a possibility

Nick Hornby is an impressive, innovative writer

Applying for graduate school...

My co-worker Emily and I have become pretty good friends. Almost every day it seems we talk about and research options for our futures---life after our internships. She has finally decided that she is going to go back to BYU to obtain her teaching certificate so she can teach high school English. I know she is going to be amazing and this is a perfect move for her.

Then there's me. I don't have a concrete plan but I have decided to apply to Gonzaga University for graduate school. This week I started practicing for the Miller Analogies Test (MAT) and will take it at the end of February first part of March. It's a crazy test of 120 analogies to answer in 60 minutes. Pretty sure I did awful on my first practice test, but I will improve. I have to if I want to go to grad school!

The application deadline is the end of April in order to start fall semester 2011. I am applying for the Master’s of Communication and Leadership program. I have absolutely no idea if I’ll get accepted or even go, but I feel really good about putting forth effort in this direction. I need to explore and create some viable options for myself for after my internship is over. I am also going to apply for a summer internship with my dad’s insurance company. Next on the list is too find some viable options that would keep me in Utah.

The idea of going to Gonzaga is really exciting, but I don’t know if I want to leave Utah…especially when I would be leaving the same time my best friend is coming home from her mission. The thought of leaving makes me want to cry. However, I know that Heavenly Father will guide me in my decisions. I’ve learned enough to know that if going to Gonzaga or back to Seattle for an internship is the right thing for me I will know. He won’t lead me astray. I know that much.

Here's to seeing what happens next...

My Life According to Sugarland...

Posts of this nature have been circulating the blogger and facebook worlds, so I figured I might as well jump on board. Here are the rules: Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Things like this are kind of fun!

My Life According to Sugarland
Are you male or female: Little Miss
Describe Yourself: Something More
How do you feel: Take Me As I Am
Describe where you currently live: Everyday America
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Small Town Jericho
Your favorite form of transportation: Incredible Machine
You and your best friends are: Stuck like Glue
What’s the weather like: One Blue Sky
Favorite time of day: Tonight
If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: Every Girl Like Me
What is life to you: Time, Time, Time
Your last relationship: Already Gone
Your fear: Settlin’
What is the best advice you have to give: These are the Days
Thought for the day: Stand Back Up
How I would like to die: Fly Away
My soul’s present condition: Just Might (Make Me Believe)
My motto: It Happens

On my mind...

Lately, the concept of what this quote--by Meg Ryan's character in You've Got Mail--embodies has been on my mind:

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."
~ Kathleen Kelly played by Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail"

More to come on this topic...

Whether I choose to admit it or not...

Whether I choose to admit it or not, I battle clinical depression. There doesn't seem to be a way I can escape it. Most days I am fine. I get up, put on my makeup, get dressed, and drive along 7th East to work. I come home, eat something for dinner, go shopping, go to the Lloyds, read my scriptures, watch a movie etc. Then I get up and do it all over again.

Every once in awhile, the depression crushes me and I am paralyzed. On these days I can't get out of bed. The littlest task, like brushing my teeth, seems like lifting a 200 lb weight. I mostly sleep all day so it can be tomorrow. Today is hell but tomorrow will be fine. I hate that this cycle impedes my life. I hate that I have to deal with depression at all. However, I've learned it's better to accept it and deal with it, than pretend it's not there. I am in therapy--again. It's been three years since the last time. Every Monday at 1:00 pm I attempt to find middle ground. I don't want to be there, but I also know I need to be there. That's why I go.

People who don't have depression can't understand what it's really like and that's ok--I don't expect them to. I'm not special or crazy...depression is simply my reality. It's not a matter of "sucking it up"---if it was, I'd never let myself become paralyzed.

Every day is a balancing act. I've lived as turbo and I've been alive in a dark whole. Both of those people are behind me now. Scar tissue remains. I'm stuck here trying to find the middle, the balance between versions of profitable insanity. I know how to say no, but sometimes I say "no" when I could say "yes". I am afraid of who I've been. I want equilibrium---the happy medium. That's why I go to therapy, because I believe my life scale can be tipped. That I don't always have to live in extremes. That I can live a better life.

I know things I didn't ask to learn. Dreams are hollow. I acknowledge truth and despise failures. I am different, but the same. Maybe I'm jaded or maybe I'm a realist. I push away some things I want most. I realize I'm not superhuman, but sometimes--subconsciously--I still think I should be. Days like today are my attempt at finding balance. Owning the fact that I am flawed, that I experience failure, that I am weak. These days are the definition of a paradox--freeing and binding. I don't want to be turbo. I don't want to be the dark hole. I can't look backwards and forwards at the same time. So I stare straight down. I remove myself from life for a day and wait for tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll try to start the day like I'm already in the middle of a conversation.

Part 2: Aggie Homecoming Weekend 2010...

Homecoming weekend was fantastic. Driving north on I-15 I realized I hadn't been back to Logan since I moved to SLC back in August. Sardine Canyon was a kaleidoscope of fall colors. Trees transitioned from full to barren as my car sped around the winding canyon corners. I called my good friend Josh as I endured the remaining 9 miles into downtown Logan--what I like to call the stretch of death. I stopped at his apartment to catch up before I headed over to Hamilton's for the All Aggie Reception.

At the reception I made the rounds to see all of my former co-workers: Bobbi, Patty, Craig, Scott, Cecile, and most importantly, Kim. Seeing them was like coming home. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face as I hugged each one of them and caught up on life. I grabbed some delicious tacos courtesy of Cafe Sabor and parked myself at the registration table to hang out with Kim. Aside from a few kids, I was definitely the youngest person at the event. The turnout ended up being far beyond our expectations. Over 200 people attended the reception, rather than our 70 we had hoped for. When the reception died down I helped pack up and headed back to Josh's to pick him up to go to Chad and Shelly's house.

Chad and Shelly's house is so cute! I hadn't seen it since shortly after they moved in when there were boxes everywhere. The home had a warm, inviting spirit. I love being around "The Andrews". They are so happy and cute. Seeing Chadly finally get his happy ending gives me hope for the future and strengthens my testimony of prayer. It feels like it's been "Chad and Shelly" forever. Even though Chadly is married he's still my Chadly. He is honestly one of the best men I have ever known. He's the older brother I never had. The Andrews had invited some other friends over so we all sat in the living room sipping cider, eating dessert, and chatting with each other. After a few hours it was getting late so I took Josh home so he could see his girl friend. Then I fell asleep on Chad and Shelly's fabulous RC Willey couch.

Saturday morning I got up, threw on a sweatshirt and flip flops and headed to pick up Tessa. We rendezvoused over to Angie's: Where the Locals Eat. As always, it was packed. I ran into Cecile again while she grabbed some breakfast post hosting the dignitaries breakfast. We each enjoyed delicious breakfasts. The best part was the enormous mint hot chocolates. They seriously made me so happy. I practically made myself sick they were so good! Afterward we popped out to Main Street to watch the remainder of the Homecoming Parade. While we watched the many dance groups, local politicians, and USU clubs push across the pavement I was filled with a great sense of happiness. I love being out to experience community events. Logan is a little slice of everyday America. You can't help but love it.

Of course a trip back to Logan wouldn't be complete without a trip to the USU bookstore. I grabbed game day shirts for the fam and for Sar, along with a few other items. Oh how I love my Aggie gear. Next it was time to hit the pre-game party. I grabbed my Texas Roadhouse and pulled up a chair next to Kevin. He and I have worked together for alumni and on the A-Team for the past two years. The food was good but I was greatly disappointed by the lack of rolls. Texas Roadhouse has amazing main entries, but the rolls are the best. Kevin, Liz (the girl they hired after I left), and I manned the $18.88 Club table and then put away dozens of tables and chairs. We stopped work for a few minutes to pose for some photos. Kim is going to frame the one of us jumping in her office! Rain started to drizzle as Kevin and I headed up to the game with Kim's family. By the time we sat down and the game was 5+ minutes in, the downpour the weather man had promised began. Needless to say, we headed out at half-time.

On the rainy, windy ride home I got, as the Fidler say, "verclemped" listening to Kenny Chesney's "Boys of Fall". Out of nowhere I started to cry. They weren't sad tears, but more tears produced by reflecting on the good times in life. My time at USU was good. I found myself and for the first time in my life, I had a really good group of friends--people who I hope to keep in touch with forever. The good times are too many to count or recap here. We are all in different places now but there is a unity between us that will always exist, no matter where we end up in this world. I feel so blessed to have attended Utah State. While it's weird not being in Logan anymore, I am beginning to embrace my life in SLC. I don't long for Logan. Instead, I appreciate the time and experiences I had there. Going to Logan will always be like coming back to an old home. Comfort and peace are what I feel driving the familiar streets. Even though life will never be the same as it was there, it's not painful. Instead, all I feel is joy. Coming back to Logan really is a homecoming.

Part 1: Aggie Homecoming Weekend 2010...

"Once an Aggie, Always an Aggie..."

Today marks the beginning of Aggie Homecoming Weekend! I'll be driving up to Logan tonight to attend the All Aggie Reception at Hamilton's. Tomorrow I'll hit the homecoming parade, pre-game party, and football game. I'm so excited to see Kim and my old co-workers again. I still miss them every day! Plus, I get to see Chadly, Shelly, and Joshua...hoorah!

I haven't been back to Logan since I moved to SLC. It'll be nice to drive through Sardine Canyon again (even though it makes my dad sick with worry). I wish Sar, Em, and Cass were here to celebrate homecoming with me, but Cass will be home in December and next year Em and Sar will be home. We'll have our own little homecoming celebration.

I am grateful I had the opportunity to attend USU. It changed my life forever. I found myself on that campus. I'll post more about the festivities after this weekend.

Go Aggies!!!

Living the Central Perk Life...

Life isn't like being at Central Perk. If that were my life, I wouldn't be sitting alone at Starbucks sipping my non-fat hot chocolate and typing on my laptop, feeling all alone in the world. The chair wouldn't be stiff, wooden, and hard. I'd be on a plush, chocolate brown sofa surrounded by my best friends. Instead they are thousands of miles away on missions, living in other cities, newly married, or trying to figure out their own lives and if there's room for me in them. In so many ways, so close and yet so far.

Amy, Sarah, and I spent our three years of college together watching all 10 seasons of Friends. Over the years we've reenacted many of the episodes, some by choice, others not so much. The one where Ross buys a couch and it's a disaster, well...I bought a crappy couch that smelled so bad it made Amy and I sick. We almost threw it off the balcony which would have produced about the same effect as Ross's apartment tenants trampling his sofa. The complicated relationship of Ross and Rachel...the whole falling for your best friend's good friend (not brother in my case but close enough)...yep, I've lived that too. Still trying to figure that all out, and let me tell ya, in real life that scenario is just as, if not more so, complicated than it is on TV. The one with Monica's boots that she LOVES but kill her feet...Sarah knows what that's all about.

We've all embodied the varying personality traits of our favorite friends. Although, thankfully, with us good Mormons, sex has never complicated our friendships, loves, or life equations.

Extensively organized and immaculately clean aka Monica...that's darling Amy. Joey, player with a soft side, that's Josh-ua. Completely outspoken and quirky aka Phoebe...Emiline! Chandler, hilariously funny who has a hard time being serious but still feels deeply, that's Chris. Ross, kinda quiet but pretty smart with funny, endearing quirks...Chadly. Overly emotional but she can't help it aka Rachel...me.

See I had the Central Perk life once, for a brief passing time. Although it wasn't in a coffee shop in New York City and it most definitely wasn't on a plush, sofa the color of milk chocolate. It was in a little apartment in Logan, UT on a 70s orange, flower-print nightmare of a sofa.

Those days are gone now. I won't ever get them back, but I'm grateful I had them at all. I never thought I would have a group of friends who would do things together and who I could love and they would love me back. Some people grow up with friends they've known forever and who they experience tons of life's adventures with year in and year out. I've never had that. I didn't have real friends until college. So while life has changed yet once again, and my dear friends and I seem to be forever apart, I take comfort in the knowledge that for however brief, I lived the Central Perk life.

Seasons and series may end, but I have a store of real-life episodes in my cache of memories that will last a lifetime.

Impasses...

I am at a constant impasse
I never know where I’m going or what I’m doing
You’re in and you’re out
And I'm still waiting
I need to know which way to go
Towards you or far away from me
Right now it feels like either way
There will always be trouble
Reasons to get all torn up inside
But I can’t keep fighting this fight
Lying to myself when things aren’t right
Maybe love will never love me back
And if that’s so, I have to let it go
Is it a matter of being patient
Or seeing what I can't seem to see
What's good for me?
There are things I'll never be able to change
Time doesn't ever stop
My life and my heart aren't things I want to waste
It'd be easier if you said something cruel
Something to make me hate you and have no reason to stay
But that's not how life works for me
I don't ever seem to be able to walk away from anything
I have to pretend to be strong when I'm already broken
I fall in love with potential because I don't know reality
The only thing I know how to do is fight
Because see, no one ever fights for me
So I fight until my eyes turn blue
Blue from bruises I can't see
From a source so unwilling yet ready to leave

Adventures & Lessons from Days 2-5...

I was going to try and blog every day this week but the internet at my apt sucks. Day 2 was better than Day 1, not amazingly fantastic but not awful either. There were two highlights of the day: 1) Meeting with Ensign Editors Larry Hiller and Melissa Merrill 2) Getting thoroughly lost in the parking garage after work. I'll start with the more positive of the two. Meeting with Larry and Melissa really helped get a sense for what I am supposed to be doing in regards to writing Ensign articles. Our publishing schedule is 13 months out so none of my articles will appear until 2012, long after I've moved on to another adventure, but hey...I'm going to have my very own byline!!!

Now for the not so fantastic part of Day 2: getting lost! When I left the COU (church office building...there are acronyms for EVERYTHING)I took the stairs down to the parking garage instead of using the elevator---fatal mistake number 1. I was pretty sure I had parked on P2 so I followed the signs to the P2 doors. When I stepped out into the sauna of a parking garage, I didn't see my car anywhere. I pressed my car beeper multiple times, hoping for my car to call out to me, but I didn't hear a thing. Oh crap! I got on the elevator to head back up to the main floor and try this whole thing again, hopefully with a different result. This time I went to P3---still couldn't find my car. So I walked all the way back to P2 and this time the elevator was broken. Finally, I decided to walk up and down the rows of cars until I could find mine. About 10 minutes later victory was mine!! The garage is all confusing because the highest level is 1 and the lowest level is 3, shouldn't it be the other way around? Now I park in the same spot everyday and I'm sure to note what level I'm parking on.

Day 3 was the best day of the week, especially because it was "Plant Day". One might ask, what is plant day? "Plant Day" could be the highlight of the month for church employees everywhere (on temple square that is). Every third Wednesday employees journey down to the Lower Level of the Church Office Building parking lot to fertilize, re-pot, or select a plant of their choice. Fortunately for me, my first Wednesday here at Welfare Services happened to be on the the third Wednesday of the month. Justin took Amy and I down to show us the ropes so we could select our plants. I went with a cute little "goldfish" plant(see picture above). Although it won't flower without being in direct sunlight, there are enough blooms on it to last quite awhile I think. The leaves are my favorite part. Their waxy exterior feels like my fake Ikea plant. That day Amy, Justin and I ate lunch outside which was very nice.

Day 4 was rather uneventful. I was extremely unmotivated and super tired. This whole getting up at 6:30 am isn't the most fun thing in the world, although it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Pretty sure I took a nap on the bathroom couch for about 20 minutes that day. There's this little curtain and everything that you can pull to be in privacy for a quick siesta. This couch is going to be a God send...I'm just saying.

Day 5 was great if only for the reason that it was FRIDAY! I survived one whole week as an intern. I asked more questions and started to feel a little more comfortable, although I'm still working on it. In the cafeteria on Fridays if you get frozen yogurt and you guess the price right, you get it for free! So my new intern friend Emily and I went down to the cafeteria to indulge in a delicious frozen treat. To my surprise, mine was only $1.12, which is a far cry from the prices of Coldstone or Tummy Yummy's! Neither Emily or I guessed our price right, although we were only cents off, but there were two people who did guess right while we were eating our deliciousness. You would have thought they won the lottery they were so excited! Ah the rituals of the Church Office Building cafeteria. It really is quite the happening place. I only hope that one day I will be one of the lucky ones to guess that the "price is right".

Overall, I would rate the week a 7, maybe a 6.5...B, B-. It was neither terrible or amazing. I hate the adjustment period and not knowing what I'm doing so it's going to take awhile for me to feel really excited about being here. I should be jumping up and down at such a great opportunity, but I'm not. I miss my old job and my old co-workers, but the interns here are great so I think that will help. Although I do love living in SLC, even though I miss Logan. Every day I take a new way home. Right now my favorite street is South Temple. There are these amazing victorian homes that are in prestine condition. They are absolutely gorgeous! I will have to take some pictures and post them soon.

Lessons from Day 1...

I survived Day 1 as an LDS Welfare Services intern. It was neither fantastic nor awful. I got there 20 minutes early and took a 20 min lunch. I consumed only an apple and banana for the entire day. I met interns Justin, Curtis, Emily, Emily, Lauren, and new intern Amy. All day everyone thought I was Amy, until I informed them that I was not Amy, but the other new intern...Clarissa. At least there are two of us who have absolutely no idea what we are doing.

The morning began with a devotional (true Church style) and then I met with my boss, Jeff. After a quick overview and circle around the room meeting everyone and remembering none of their names, I sat down at my desk in "Intern Alley". For the next six hours, I watched video after video about Welfare Services. Although I have been a member of the church my entire life, I can honestly say I have never known much about the extent of the welfare program; that's all changing very quickly.

As part of my job I will be touring Welfare Square and Humanitarian Center. I will also be working at the cannery, bishop storehouse, home storage center etc. In order to write about Welfare Services I need to actually experience them, hence the working plan. It never crossed my mind that this would be part of the job description. I am a little nervous about these assignments, but they should be good experiences.

Honestly, I'm not so sure about all of this change. Right now everything has changed: my home, my city, my job, my overall occupation, my friends (or really now the great lack there of), my ward....EVERYTHING. Nothing is comfortable or safe, and that is the reality I face every day; at least right now. One day at a time baby, one day at a time.

So Lessons from Day 1:

1) BCS no longer only refers to a football bowl game...BCS also stands for Bishop's Central Storehouse.

2) Nylons and polyester don't mix. Despite the barrier of a slip, my dress crept up the entire walk along West Temple to the Church Office Building; oh and pretty much the entire day as well. Awesome...immodest on the first day.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring...I just have to get to tomorrow.

I'm so scared of...

starting my new job

moving out of Logan

not being in school anymore

getting my heart broken again

being late for work

not being able to handle my depression

not being able to make friends

not dating

not being wanted

moving to an apartment I've never seen before

always being alone

moving forward and not looking back

starting a new chapter of my life

never getting what I really want

Preston Rodeo...Yeehaw!

Last Saturday I traveled to Preston, ID to attend my very first rodeo! It was quite the experience. I had no idea a rodeo was so long...3 hrs!


Upon arriving in the metropolis of Preston, we parked what felt like about 3 miles away from the actual rodeo arena. The main road was closed, which we later found out was due to an epically long parade. To get to the arena we passed the famous Preston High, home of Napoleon Dynamite and a huge blue rock (don't quite know what that was about), and then navigated our way through the "happening" parade. Pretty sure the entire town of 5,000 was there cheering and screaming. Every kid had a grocery sack in hand, hollering as each float drove by spraying laffy taffies, smarties, and other sweet treats into the crowd. Mini Cream 'O Weber milk jugs littered the sidewalk and roadway. Becky and I really wanted some chocolate and strawberry milk but we missed the boat; if only we'd been there half an hour earlier. While the floats and parade entries did not rival the Days of '47 parade in Salt Lake City by any means, the parade participants and attendees spirit couldn't be beat. Who knew a parade could be so exciting! I expected more cowboy hats, but those didn't really surface until we hit the rodeo scene. However, I've never seen so many pick-up trucks in one place.


When we hit the rodeo venue it was like a scene out of a low budget country music video, and I loved every minute of it. The smell of grilling burgers wafted through the air and carnival ride lights littered the sky. Alyssa and I wandered over to the concessions booth to grab a drink because we were thirsty and because we wanted to check out the hot guy serving the drinks that Kaili told us about. We both concluded that he had amazing eyes. Once we were back in the metal bleachers with the rest of the gang, Alyssa, David, and I proceeded to have a lengthy discussion about how girls can't pick out other girls that are hot and guys can't pick out other guys that are hot. Alyssa and I tried to prove him wrong but to no avail. He couldn't back up his argument either, so at least we ended the evening with all parties at a loss.


To kick-off the 75th That Famous Night Preston Rodeo, rodeo queens of all ages blitzed out into the arena, galloping around the stadium with one stiff hand raised in the air in an attempt to do a rodeo version of a parade wave. It looked more like an awkward salute. Not such a success rodeo queens; I think you have something to learn from the city princesses, or maybe they have something to learn from you. Although I did love their brightly colored wranglers. I had no idea wranglers came in aqua, hot pink, or purple. I need to get me some of those! My favorite event of the rodeo was by far the bull dogging aka steer wrestling. A steer is released from the pen the same time a cowboy on horseback gallops out to the arena, he jumps of his horse, tackling the steer by the horns, and then forces it to the grown and on it's back. It is the most hardcore thing I think I've ever seen. With no padding or anything, the guys just go for it! The most hilarious part of the evening was "Mutton Busting". These tiny little kids get on a sheep and hang on until they fall off, or in one kid's case, do a full-on somersault with the sheep until the cowhand helps him up and raises him to the crowd they way Mufasa raises baby Simba on Pride Rock. The kids serious look like little toy monkeys on top of the sheep. I can imagine them waiting to be released from the gate screaming, "No Daddy, No Daddy, I don't want to!!!" Guess if you ever want to ride a bull as an adult, you better start by riding a mutton as a tike. The bull riding was the very last event and the cowboys really sucked it up. Only 1 guy of probably about 20 was able to stay on the bull at least until the buzzer. Every other cowboy fell off 5 seconds or less into his ride. A little disappointing, but I definitely couldn't do any better. After all, bull riding is one of the most dangerous sports out there, so no thank you...I will just watch.

All in all, I was very pleased with my first rodeo experience. I would most definitely go again. I'll take any chance to celebrate my inner hick!