Emptiness is numb.

I didn't always understand how you could feel so empty that you would turn to alternative means of filling a deep void. And when I say alternative means, I mean turning to things you have never thought you could or would want to do or have. You can have so many right answers staring you in the face but still want to pick all the wrong ones, and sometimes you do. Reaching a state of emptiness where you're drawn to what you know isn't right is a strange feeling.

I think sometimes we reach the end of our rope and get tired of hanging on. The alternative of falling into the pit suddenly becomes very appealing, even though falling into the pit is sure destruction. You know that, but you start to loosen your grip on the rope and rationalize that maybe dipping your toe into hell isn't so bad.

Rationalization is a bitch.

In some ways, you love the pain. Pain means you can feel something, even if it's not what you want to feel. You feel--that's the bottom line. The numbness of emptiness is taken away for a split second, until you come back to reality.

The thing is, even if you fill that void with something you desire--regardless of its consequence--afterward, you feel more empty than you did before. Getting what you thought you wanted didn't make you any less numb. Maybe you felt something for 20 minutes or an hour, but the feeling leaves as quickly as it comes.

Satisfaction without being satisfied.

When someone skips the whole teenage rebellion thing, I think it can set in later in life. The problem with that is the stakes have been raised. Life has a lot more meaning, consequence, and responsibility. If other people can get away with stuff, why can't you?

Foreign ideas of rebellion.

Sometimes we are so scared and lost about what we don't know and what could be coming, that we hit the self-destruct button, slowly, or sometimes quickly, exposing ourselves to toxicity. You do things you never thought you would do. In a perplexing way you like it, but the emptiness only gets deeper. Maybe what you do isn't really that wrong, but the more you do it, the easier it is to fall deeper. Still, you crave even more what you can't have and push boundaries to get it.

Alone. Totally alone.

Maybe if you didn't feel so alone you would want all the good things. But life has not been kind and trials have been many. Each time you say you will dust yourself off and get back on the bike, and eventually you do, but it can take longer than you would like.

The challenge is to find a way to fill the emptiness with good and not succumb to the temptation of rebellion.


Kaela said...

nicely put, clarissa. i have felt that before, but i've never seen/heard it described that well.

jjfid said...

<3 <3 <3