This weekend I have been in a major depression. I haven't had one this bad for a long time. I've been overwhelmed by everything lately. I've been feeling like I have a million decisions I have to make and that they all effect each other. I can't just answer one question because there are fifty more tied to that one. Should I graduate in December or spring? Where should I live next year? Do I have enough money to go somewhere for spring break? How am I going to pay for the rest of school? What am I going to do for work this summer? and the list goes on...And to top it all off, I'm still reeling from a crappy Christmas break and losing my grandpa.
Yesterday I couldn't function, I basically stayed in bed all day. I didn't go to class and totally forgot about on-line tutor training. Getting up to brush my hair seemed too hard. That's the weird thing with depression. Some days you just can't function, everything comes crashing down on you at once, and all you have strength to do is breath. I don't expect people to understand it. I don't like to tell people because sometimes it makes no sense. I pretty much stayed in bed all day today too.
At 6pm tonight I decided to go to the store with one of my roommates and attempt to function. Afterwards, I felt like maybe I could make a list of everything that's bothering me. So I did and then I called my mom. We talked it all out and I decided that I am not going to try and graduate in December.
Just because I am capable of doing it doesn't mean I should. There is no time table to life once you get out of high school. I think subconsciously I have been thinking, "well if you hadn't withdrawn from BYU and gone crazy and everything, then you'd be graduating this semester..." I can be so mean to myself sometimes. Graduating in spring solves so many problems. There is no rush to life. I feel much better about this decision than trying to figure out all the legistics for December. I just have to keep reminding myself that I can live by my own time table, which can really mean, I don't have to have one.