It's my whole life down to one box...

I moved to SLC with a Uhaul and I'm moving away with a car. It's time for a whole new chapter. The drive to Seattle is only a first step in a long line of changes.

For the past 2+ weeks I've been downsizing and packing all of my earthly possessions. A week ago Keely and I had a garage sale. We froze our butts off but came away with a little bit of cash. Yesterday---somehow---we fit everything else I owned in my little Dodge Neon. Earlier this week my dad mailed me a duffel-bag-type car-top carrier, but it ended up not being delivered to my house because before my dad sent it I changed my address back to my parent's address. So essentially, the package got to SLC and was turned right back around to Seattle. The postal people must have been so confused and thought...who IS this girl? STUPID. Alas, despite this mishap, I survived. Thankfully.

Right now I'm sitting in my hotel room in Baker City, OR pondering my life changes. Being here is a lot less glamorous than what I anticipated all week. The drive was long and boring. The hotel pool is closed. Chilling here by myself is lonely. I ate Dairy Queen for dinner. Watched Grey's Anatomy. Took a bath. It's only 8:26 pm and it feels like 11:00 pm. So glamorous and fun...not.

All I want is to be home. Somewhere safe again. I didn't go say goodbye to my friends in Logan. I didn't go see Sarah's parents. I feel bad about that. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I can't handle the regular aspects of life and commitments become unbearable. I didn't want to say goodbye because I don't want it to be goodbye. In some ways I've become accustomed to having a majority of the people I'm close to be far away. Distance and leaving are complicated matters.

I broke down at work yesterday, which was totally unexpected. A final blow to the project I've been working on for several months, combined with the car-top carrier fiasco, was too much. I won't miss the job, but I will miss the people. My fellow interns--Emily, Emily, and Ryan--and I all became very close. I truly believe each of us needed to be in each others' lives during this period. From the time we were hired last summer, we now all have more direction about the next phase of our lives.

Emily McBride is going back to school to get her teaching certificate. Emily Davis is starting a new job on Monday as an Executive Secretary to a member of the Quorum of the Seventy. Ryan starts this week as a Deseret Industries Job Coach. We came to the Church Office Building lost, and with the help and encouragement of each other, we've all found new paths. I will be forever grateful for the role they have played in my life. I have no doubt Heavenly Father knew that for whatever reason we needed each other. Saying goodbye hurts, but even though it's hard, I'm grateful I have good friends to say goodbye too. It's better than never loving people at all.

I don't know the next time I'll see Mandi, Travis, Alex, Isaac, Harmony, Mimaw, Grumpy, and Auntie. I can't believe I am going to miss baby girl Lloyd coming into this world. I'm determined to go to UT during Christmas break. My roommate Ally is coming to visit in July, so that'll be fun. Even though I'll be far away, time and experience have taught me that I don't have to lose those relationships. Rather, I must put off my fear of the phone and make the call. All I have to do is remember I am loved.

There is one person I know I might never see again. That reality has been difficult to accept. But, I move forward because I know it's what's best for me. I pray he will be happy and realize all he is and can be. Physically leaving is so final; like shutting and returning a library book you never finished. It's past it's renewal date. No exceptions.

Tomorrow is another day of a new chapter. So, I'll get in my car and drive.


emilymcb said...

I thought about you today...hope your drive was smooth. Sorry about the pool. Such a bummer! :(

I love you and I'm so glad we were both placed in each other's lives this past year. You are so great.

Keely said...

VERY well-written, my darling. Utah is going to miss you too :/. What am I going to do without my Rissy?!?

Things will be better once you get home... you needed this change and it is the right thing to do.

Drive safely -- LOVE YOU TONS!!

Emily Davis said...

I'm so sorry about the pool. I was looking forward to that for you! I'm so glad I got to work with you this year, it has been such a ride, and I'm so glad we all have direction of where we want to go!!

Kabammi said...

I love your freakin face Clarissa! You will certainly be missed!

Harmony said...


You will be miss not only at sunday dinners but in life. You are a fabulous person and its been my pleasure getting to know you. Lets please keep in touch. Email, snail mail whatever...You will be missed darling.

Love you